


Balloon Animals

by nilolay



Series: #Clownverse [2]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Feelings, Ficlet, Fluff and Humor, I don't know what to tell you folks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 20:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19753258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilolay/pseuds/nilolay
Summary: “There are a lot of fun things you can do with a condom, David.”





	Balloon Animals

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u @whetherwoman and @olivebranchesandredwine for summoning me in the dead of night to provide birthday clown condom balloon animal fic. I wrote this within an hour and a half of waking up to said summons. You've opened a floodgate and now #Clownverse is alive. Look forward to more clown feelings. 
> 
> I have no idea if you can actually make condom balloon animals. I already looked up "blowing up a condom" on YouTube at 9am and I don't wish to do any further research on that point, thanks.

“Yoohoo!” He was holding up a condom packet and putting on his best seductive smile, but his giddiness thwarted him and it may have looked a little maniacal, which was something he tried to avoid as a clown. 

David turned on his bed where he was scrolling on his phone and managed a half smile toward the doorway. “Hi. Okay.”

“Oh, the enthusiasm! You alright?”

“Totally, sure.” David was nodding too much. “C’mere.” He was used to flicking the sex switch on, it could be a good distraction sometimes. But there was a concern in the other man’s eyes that made David think there might be another option this time. He cleared his throat and cast his eyes down. 

“Actually, is it okay if we…don’t? Tonight?”

“David. Of course.”

“I’m sorry, you came all this way… I’m just a bit- Today was…” 

“Okay, you don’t have to submit a formal excuse. This isn’t jury duty. And hey, who’s to say I was asking for sex anyway?”

David narrowed his eyes and gestured to the condom.

“There are a lot of fun things you can do with a condom, David.” His voice was solemn. 

David barked out a laugh at this and sat up, eyes shining. “Are there!? Do tell.” 

Show Time. He brought a finger to his own lips in a shushing gesture then started quietly humming the tune of one of his performance backing tracks and shifted his hips to the rhythm. "Is _some_ one having a _bad day?_ " he asked with an exaggerated frown, as if to a crowd. "Awww! What can we do about _that?_ ". With a trademark flourish of his fingers he ripped open the condom packet and raised his eyebrows at David, opening his mouth in a mock gasp. 

David’s eyes crinkled and he shook his head fondly. 

He brought the condom to his mouth and blew into it like an obscene balloon, tying it off at the end. The result was something roughly the size and shape of one of David’s decorative roll pillows. He broke character for a moment: “I’m not going to lie to you, this is thicker than I expected.” 

“Oh no. Do you think you can handle it?” David’s face wasn’t winking but his voice was. 

“I’m a professional.” With some effort and more stage-worthy facial mugging he twisted the balloon into the shape of a dog. A really fat dog. He bent into an exaggerated bow to present it to David. “That’s for you, sir.” 

David clapped his hands in mock childlike applause and cradled the puffy, translucent condom dog in his arms. "I love him", he whispered. After a moment he looked up at the softly beaming face before him. “Are you gonna go, then?” 

“Do I have to?” 

“No.” 

“Then I won’t. ...Do you feel better?”

David smiled warmly. “I actually do, you’re very good at your job- maybe you can do adult parties after all."

He laughed and took a small bow. "I'll think about it."

David pulled him down for a kiss. "Will you teach me how to do that?”

"Kissing? Sure, I have some pointers I've been meaning to-"

David rolled his eyes. "Balloon animals. I think they're cute."  
  
“Of course. Uh, do you have any smaller condoms?”  
  
David eyed him seriously. “We both know I do not.”

**Author's Note:**

> It's going to be hard to continue not naming the clown as the #Clownverse expands. I've decided his clown name is Yoohoo, though.


End file.
